Bellevue Herald-Leader

Guest Columnist

 Last year it was the polar vortex. This year the coronavirus.  I (we) are some of the elderly high-risk segment of society everyone is concerned about the virus being most harmful to.  

But our fear isn't related to the virus or its complications.  Rather, it's the thought of being quarantined together for any length of time that brings trepidation.

In the event this should happen, chances are good that one of us might very well, uh, die.   But the fact is it would probably be of something totally unrelated to the virus.  And I'm not talking natural causes, if you catch my drift.

 I am all about being informed about what's going on in the world that pertains to our health,  right?  But I have to wonder when too much is too much.  

The news headlines the other night were "One new case in Iowa!"  I am so tired of seeing one bobblehead after another instructing me how to wash my hands, and I bet little kids will be totally confused when we sing "the hand washing song" to someone on their birthday in the future.

 But with the caucuses over, and only two candidates left to make jokes about,  minus POTUS of course, they needed something else to grab viewers.  If it really is as bad as the press would have us believe, I will be the first to apologize, but I wonder if it is necessary to spark fear and panic into people,  as witnessed by the shortages of toilet paper and cleaning products.  

 My stock-up list is going to be a little different.  If I am quarantined I would like to have copious amounts of alcohol and frozen pizzas.  And I am not worried about a cleaning product shortage.  Reasons being:  If I might possibly die during this containment, I do not plan to spend my remaining days cooking and cleaning.  

 I have a theory here that maybe this is just a  ploy concocted by the millions of women whose husbands were already starting to hunker down for March Madness.  Just think about it.

 The good thing to come out of all of this is that I now realize, through a deluge of emails, how utterly important  I am to places like Sam's Club (I am the reason 100,000 employes went to work today!)  And I am tickled pink to realize that I am Theisen's No. 1 priority, even though the only thing I ever bought from them was a crockpot (on sale, no less)  and even Papa Murphy's has assured me that store employees will not be spitting on my pizza (they didn't actually say that) but they will be sterilizing everything, including their hands.

  And, as always, they will be wearing gloves (that no doubt came from China).