Julie

  Just so you know going into this, I had already been housebound with a slight case of pneumonia for over a week when the great Snowpocalypse and the spinning mass of winter-chilled Arctic air  known as the polar vortex "pert near" killed us all.  So after several days of an antibiotic and some prednisone, I was feeling a lot better.

If you are reading this now, that means that: a) I am either in heaven or that other place b) prison c) a mental facility or d) I have a story to tell the young un's about how their granpappy and I survived the "Winter of 2019"  with nothing but electricity, gas, heat, television, Internet, electronic tablets,  cable TV, smartphones, Netflix, Amazon Prime, a stocked pantry, a full refrigerator and freezer and only one banana.

The reason for the multiple choices?  It would seem that prednisone makes me (and this is a true medical description)  somewhat crazy, which I probably would have turned into a cleaning frenzy had it not been the week in which hell decided to freeze over.  

Spending time in a small space with another person for an extended period of time really does not bring out the best in one, especially one who is on the verge of crazy.  Every little noise or sound becomes amplfied: Slurping, talking, eating, chewing, nail clipping, Snoring, Sighing,  mumbling...even breathing. Especially breathing. Everything becomes louder and more irritating. Everything was in place for the "perfect storm."

  And if I hear one more warning about how fast your nose can get frostbitten from another dumb reporter (except for that poor little girl, on channel 7, I think, who has the worst nose ever) standing in the dangerous cold I am going to go Elvis on the tv.  Want to know how crazy I am?  I went through the summer junk in the basement to see if I could find a bottle of "bubbles" to try seeing them freeze outside.  When I couldn't find any, I boiled a pan of water and threw it into the arctic air to watch it freeze.  I know.

Here is just a short list of things...some I  thought, some I said, some I just imagined:  I am not sure myself anymore.  "If you sit in that recliner much longer I am going to have to dust you."  

We get hundreds of channels on television and thousands of movies on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  For the love of God, can we please watch something other than the weather channel?  

Irritating, that even sleeping, his index finger is poised over the remote.  Maybe I should check his pulse.  I am having fleeting images of a body in a casket hoarding his coveted remote.

Him: "It's five below"  Me: "I'm in the bathroom. I can't hear you." Him: "It's 9.9 below zero."   Me:  "I'm in the shower" can it wait?"   Him:  "It's 15 below zero."  Him calling me.  Me trekking out into the living room to see what he wants:  "It's 20 below zero."  Me: "Thank you  Mr. Al @#$% Roker!"

  Please stop standing over my shoulder reading my computer screen.  "You aren't really going to put that in the paper!  You can't say that!  Jesus, it's 20 below zero yet."

   Why am I slamming doors and drawers?  Did you ever wonder why we have doors and drawers on things?  Could you, just once, shut one?  It always looks like we have just been burglarized.

  Please don't sit there watching me cook and saying things like "You aren't really going to put that much garlic in, are you?"  Or "Why do you always have to pulverize the ground beef?  I like it in bigger chunks.  "Wow, it's 19 below zero yet!"

  Did you really just say the word 'yummy?'

  Could you please pick up your feet to walk?   the scuff... scuff... scuffing is driving me insane.  

  Please don't read that section of the newspaper aloud.  I would rather read it myself. I hate when you do that.  You know that I hate when you do that.  Please stop giving me weather updates every five minutes.  I know it's cold.

Really, drinking straight from the milk jug?  You know that I hate that, too.  I bet that's why you are doing it.

I can't watch tv with you because you channel surf constantly. You also never watch the beginning of anything and then expect me to catch you up and then end up saying it's dumb because you have no idea what is going on.

Do you really have to leave all those toast crumbs in the butter container?  Please put the toast on a plate so the crumbs don't end up everywhere.  Please don't use the sink for a garbage can.  And could you just once put the toothpaste away.  "The temperature's warmed up to -17."  

You have had nothing to do for days, could you not at least change the roll of toilet paper or put the toilet seat back down?  Do you really not notice the noise your fork makes scraping on the plate?  How can you not?

Me: "What do you want for supper?" Him:" I don't care."  Me: "Spaghetti?" Him;"No."  Me: "Tacos?"  Him: "No."  Me: "Pork Chops?"  Him: "no."  Me: "What then?" "Him:  "I don't care."   Me banging head against wall.

I have stopped talking.You know when you ask someone a simple, straightforward question and they spend ten solid minutes rambling on about everything in the world EXCEPT the answer to your simple, straightforward question? I really hate that.

"Did you  really eat the last banana?  Really?  You know that I eat a banana for breakfast every morning?  Wow! It's 29 degrees below zero!"

 The end